


Abducted

by iamthechickenqueen



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: Crack, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-10
Updated: 2014-03-13
Packaged: 2018-01-08 06:42:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1129534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamthechickenqueen/pseuds/iamthechickenqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan is left helpless when he gets abducted by tiny aliens and is replaced by one, and things take a turn for the worst when the alien pretending to be Dan falls for Phil...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One

"Okay guys, I'll see you next week. New video hopefully on Friday!"

Dan finished waving to the webcam as his weekly liveshow came to a close. Now that it was done for the night he was ready to spend another four hours browsing the internet and eating - he really wasn't lying when he said that was all he ever did with his evenings.

This evening was slightly different, however, as Phil had travelled back home for a couple of days for his mum's birthday, leaving Dan to himself in their apartment.

He stretched as he finally logged out of YouNow and stood up from his bed where he had been perched for the past hour and ten minutes, taking a moment to glance out of his bedroom window as he did so.

Being winter it was already pitch black outside, with only a few glowing street lamps lighting the area. Nothing was out of the ordinary, and once Dan was content that his stretch was sufficient he turned around to move towards his bedroom door to fetch the bag of Doritos he knew were in the kitchen.

Suddenly, the scene outside was not quite so ordinary, and Dan thought he saw a bright light out of the corner of his eye.

"What the fuck?" He mumbled to himself as he turned back around and took a few steps closer to the window.

He squinted, leaned closer to the glass, squinted again and changed the direction at which he was looking down at the pavement below him. There was definitely something there...

After a few minutes of trying to decipher the mysterious object that was now occupying the space outside Dan's front door, he decided to go out and see what it was.

A minute later and he was downstairs. He opened the front door and laying at his feet was...

...A child's toy, or at least that's what it looked like to him. A small, child's spaceship toy that flashed different colours into his face.

Again Dan mumbled the words "What the fuck?", and bent down to pick it up, wondering where on Earth it could have come from. It's not like it could have just fallen from the sky.

But as soon as Dan's hand touched the smooth, shiny surface he felt a tingle run through his spine. A moment later and the feeling had intensified. It felt as though he was receiving a mild electric shock.

Before long he was shaking violently, his hand still attached to the toy which appeared to be growing bigger.

In actual fact, Dan was growing smaller.

He got so small that he was now tiny enough to fit inside the toy.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? SHIT SOMEONE HELP ME!" Dan screamed, hoping one of his neighbours would come to his rescue. At that point he wouldn't have minded if loud sex man had have ran out of his apartment. Unfortunately, Dan was now so tiny that his screams could no longer be heard.

He flailed around on the pavement outside when all of a sudden a strange, green creature appeared in front of him. He immediately started backing up, a look of pure terror on his face. He was too shocked to even make any noise.

"Greetings human. We have come from the planet /-)/:0-/_\\."

Dan continued to look on in shock.

"We have been studying your race for hundreds of years and have finally thought our knowledge of Earth great enough to finally visit."

"Is, is that why you can speak English?" Dan asked. "Wait, wait, wait, this isn't even real. I'm dreaming. I spent too long on tumblr and now I'm dreaming."

"We have studied most of the languages of your people, yes. Now can you tell me, is this Downwards Street?"

"Wake up Dan. Just wake up."

"Wake Up Street? We are in the wrong place."

"Why are you so small. Oh yeah, BECAUSE THIS IS A MOTHERFUCKING DREAM. DAN GET A GRIP."

"Human, we wish to do an exchange with you to further our knowledge. We were hoping to speak with your Minister Prime, Dumbledore I think, but you will have to do for now. We have been travelling for a long time."

Before Dan could even answer, 10 aliens rushed out from their spaceship, lifted him up and carried him inside.

"LET GO OF ME OOOHHHH GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING?"

The inside of the spaceship was breathtaking, and Dan would have appreciated it if he wasn't being abducted.

Abducted. Dan had been abducted by aliens...

"Jesus Christ you're not going to probe me are you?" he uttered, not sure whether it was to himself or not. Either way none of the aliens heard as they continued to transport him to a chair, to which they tied him.

"We will need some of your DAN."

"What? Some of my Dan? How do you know my name?"

"Your parents named you after the building blocks of life? Intriguing!"

"DNA, they mean fucking DNA Jesus fucking Christ." Dan, again, muttered. This time it was definitely to himself, although he didn't care if the aliens heard him. "Why do you need my DNA, what are you going to do to me?"

By this point Dan had come to the realisation that there was no way of getting out of this, and was 90% sure it was real.

"Our plan in coming here was to have one of us pretending to be a human and gather information firsthand about your race. This is who will be taking your place."

The alien gestured to another alien who look eager and excited at the prospect of turning into Dan and living his life for a while.

"No no no!" Dan called around to anyone who would listen. "He, she, I don't even know..." He turned to the excited alien. "You cannot be me, you will ruin my life!"

"Oh don't worry DNA!" The alien had already gotten confused about his name. "I have been studying human behaviour for years. I am an expert in my field. I will remember to excrete in the lavatory and not on the erm, carpets, and I will make sure to tend to your intimate areas at least once a day!"

"What!?"

Before Dan had any more time to protest or ask questions one of the aliens came up from behind and stuck a syringe in his arm.

"GAH. No please, please don't do this! I'm so boring, you don't want to be me!"

But it was too late, the aliens had taken a sample of Dan's blood, and after using some weird technology on it injected a concoction of his DNA into the excitable alien.

The alien was immediately rushed outside, where he no doubt would grow taller as he transformed.

"Good," said the alien Dan believed to be in charge. "Now that's done we can begin our experiments on you."

"Oh crap," were the only words Dan could get out of his mouth.

"We will begin with the tradition we believe to be called an-al."

Dan was too fearful for what might happen to him to really listen to what the alien was saying to him.

"We are not really sure how this works, but after doing extensive research into humans we have found that whenever one is abducted by aliens this ritual takes place. We hope you will benefit from it as we really see no need, but we respect the traditions you follow."

At this point Dan's brain clicked into gear and he understood.

"Wait... No... You don't mean... OH GOD NO YOU DON'T MEAN ANAL!"

"Oh, is that how it is pronounced?"

Dan noticed another alien with a long metal stick in his hand.

"NO NO NO NO YOU ARE NOT GOING TO PROBE ME," he yelled, as he started to struggle against the binds keeping him in the chair.

All the aliens gathered around a diagram of the human anatomy to figure out where exactly to stick the metal rod.

Dan continued to flail around, screaming; "DON'T STICK THAT THING UP MY ARSE!" He was terrified. He was going to lose his anal virginity to a metal rod being wielded by an extraterrestrial. Nobody knew, but he had been saving it for Tyler Oakly.

The aliens started to advance on him, getting closer and closer until all he could see was green, and then a flash of silver...

...and then Dan got anally probed.


	2. Part Two

Outside Dan and Phil's apartment stood Dan, or what looked like Dan. It was in fact the alien. He looked down at his new body in wonder.

"I'm so high!" the alien called in delight whilst looking down, a massive smile playing across his face. An old lady, who had been walking down the street, stopped for a moment to give him the most disgusted look she could muster at the fact that this young man was on drugs, before noticing that he wasn't wearing any clothes - at all.

Having learnt human social culture for many years the alien smiled at the old lady, waved and said, "Good evening Madam! Would you like to join me in my living quarters so that we can get to know each other better?"

He decided this was the best introduction. The other was to yell, "OI WHAT YOU FUCKIN' LOOKIN' AT MATE?!" in her face, but he wasn't carrying a knife and wouldn't have been able to pull off the greeting properly. He really didn't want to offend her with a halfhearted hello.

"GAGAHHHHHH!" The old lady let out a strangled scream and clutched her heart. She then proceeded to fall to the floor after suffering a heart attack.

"Oh dear. I see you are quite tired, I'll leave you to rest."

Taking his first few tentative steps, the alien moved rhythmically in Dan's body without falling over, and made his way around the old lady's dead body.

"Leg out. Hip to the side, and step!"

He did this all the way to the front door that Dan had been unable to close after shrinking.

Somehow, the alien managed to make it all the way into Phil's bedroom, and proceeded to ransack it in search for clothes.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

The next day, the alien woke up around midday in the bath, and Phil was due to arrive back home anytime soon.

"These human beds are nowhere near as comfy as I was told they would be."

He attempted to sit up, and soon realised that the body he was inhabiting did not posses as strong abdominal muscles as he had hoped. His neck and back were cramped from trying to lay Dan's long form down in the tub, and he had lost all feeling in his legs.

When he did finally roll out of the bath and flop onto the bathroom floor, he heard the front door opening and ran out to see what the commotion was.

"HUMAN!" The alien shouted at his first sight of Phil in the hallway of the apartment.

"Um, hi..." Phil responded, utterly perplexed. "Are those my clothes?" He gestured to the alien's choice of attire.

The alien ignored him completely and ran the length of the hallway to pull Phil into a rib-crushing hug. He rested his head on Phil's chest and closed his eyes as he inhaled his scent.

"Dan? Are you okay?"

"Yes, of course! I have just missed you immensely!"

"Oh, well I missed you too it's just, you're acting a bit strangely..."

At this the alien immediately let go of Phil and took a step back. He had messed up. This was obviously not the way he was supposed to behave in this situation.

Tears started to form in his eyes as he look at the floor, hanging his head in shame.

"Dan? Ohh... What is it? Have I said something?" Phil was confused, but most of all worried for his friend's sanity. What on Earth had happened in the two days he had been away for?

"DO YOU WANT A DRINK?"

The alien had overcompensated for his mistake by shouting out the first 'social norm' that came into his head. Phil continued to stare at 'Dan' blankly.

"Uuhh, yes please...?"

And with that the alien rushed into the kitchen to put the kettle in the microwave.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

It was later that evening, and Phil was sitting in the lounge with his laptop. The alien was behind the door, sneaking peaks at him, whilst Phil pretended he didn't notice what 'Dan' was doing. Sometimes Dan was in strange moods and Phil just had to let him get on with it. Admittedly this was one of his stranger ones, but he was sure it would pass, and if it didn't he would get some professional help. Or find a video on YouTube about weird friends; he was sure there was one out there somewhere.

Throughout the day the alien had:

Attempted to wash Dan's hair in the fireplace

Put a bottle of bleach in the dishwasher

Used the shower head to water a fake plant

Crapped in Phil's bed

Cleaned the crap up with a single piece of toilet paper

Thrown the crap-covered toilet paper out of the window and onto a cat

Redecorated Dan's walls with plasters

And now he was staring at Phil avidly from behind the door.

Maybe he did need help...

The alien, however, thought he was doing a brilliant job of acting like a human. He had even developed a crush, which was the reason he was watching Phil so carefully, and didn;t want him to realise that he was watching. The alien was embarrassed by how much he admired Phil already.

His eyes were as blue as the sky of -&-/&/', his hair as dark as that screeching thing he threw his excrement onto earlier that day, and he smelt just like... Nice stuff.

It was true love, and the alien decided he couldn't wait any longer to carry out an intervention...

Carefully, he crept into the room and stood himself in front of Phil, who was typing away and trying to ignore him.

The alien started to swing his hips sensually from side to side, his crotch dangerously close to Phil's laptop, which was just just in front of his face.

"Phil," he started, "there is something I need to tell you."

Unwillingly, Phil looked up from his laptop, and then proceeded to close the screen and lean backwards in an attempt to further himself from Dan's penis.

The alien looked dead into his eyes and slid himself onto Phil's lap.

Phil attempted to recoil, but was trapped by Dan's weight and the awkward position he had been forced into.

"Dan -", he began to strangle out, but the alien stopped him by putting a single finger to his lips and whispering;

"Hush. I will prove my affections to you by performing the mating dance of your people"

As the alien jumped up, Phil questioned what he was on about.

"My people? Do you mean the North? Dan I am not understanding this at all and I'm feeling very uncomfortable about all of this. Maybe you should just go and have a lie down."

"PREPARE FOR MY TWORKING!"

"Tworking -?"

In the blink of an eye the alien started blasting out 'My heart will go on' by Celine Dion, and proceeded to twerk for Phil's pleasure.

With everything considered, he was pretty good at it. He got really close to the floor and shook his booty hard and fast to the heart-wrenching notes warbling out around them. Not once did he break eye contact with the now traumatised Phil who was cowering on the sofa.

His hips went back and forth, to and fro, colliding with the air as he swung his majestic head around on his long neck, swishing his beautiful, slightly ash covered, hair in and out of his view of Phil.

"NNNEEAAARRRR, FFAAARRRTTTT, WHERE EEEEEVERRR OOOOOOO BRAAAAAS!..."

"Dan! Please stop this!" Phil pleaded.

But the alien had already taken off the shirt Phil had forced him into earlier, exposing Dan's body. He swung the shirt around his head and threw it to Phil. His jeans and Calvin Klein boxers followed shortly afterwards, landing straight in Phil's face. All the while, Celine Dion was still singing out.

Phil had two options, throw Dan's underwear off of his face and expose himself to his naked best friend thrusting his hips at him, or keep the dirty underwear on his face and make an attempt to leave the room without being able to see. He needed to make a decision fast, because 'Dan' was fast approaching him and he really didn't want to know what was coming next...

...When all of a sudden a tight, silver jumpsuit clad Dan, the real Dan, burst into the room with a scream after seeing himself attempting to mate with Phil.

"PHIL! THAT'S NOT ME! SAVE YOURSELF!"

To be continued...


	3. Part Three

"Phil, for fucks sake take my underwear off of your head!" Dan rushed to Phil's side and swiped his Calvin Klein boxers from his face. "Let's go!"

Dan pulled Phil to his feet and they began running out of the room, as fast as Dan could in his skintight jumpsuit that creaked as he moved, just as the alien suddenly stopped dancing.

"Dan, are you going to explain to me what is going on?" Phil cried, as Dan dragged him down the hallway of their apartment.

"Once we've gotten to safety!"

The alien was hastily trying to follow them at a slower pace, still not quite used to Dan's body.

'Safety' turned out to be their bathroom. Dan and Phil huddled themselves in and locked the door, just as the alien ran into it with a thud.

"Phil please, I can explain!" The alien whined, bashing his head against the door in an attempt to get in. "I love you!"

Inside the bathroom, Dan grabbed Phil's shoulders and made him look him in the eyes. "Listen, Phil, while you were away I was abducted by aliens okay?" Phil nodded in uncertainty. "Now that, thing out there is one of them. They fucking cloned me! Anyway, after they um... Once they were done with me they tried to keep me detained until that thing finished its mission and came back to the spaceship, but I managed to escape.

"I didn't think it was going to be possible. I was losing my sanity locked in one of their cages, and started humming the birdy song. This is when I noticed that no one came past my cell anymore, and if they did they flinched in what looked like pain. They couldn't stand the song! So I decided to sing it full blast when they brought my food into me and see what happened.

"Fortunately for me, the little alien started squealing and I managed to get out. The whole way along the spaceship I sang as loudly as I could and in the end I found the door. Once I was out in the open I grew back to my normal size. "Phil... Phil are you with me?"

Phil was staring blankly at Dan. "Yeah, yeah I just... Need to wake up..."

"PHIL YOU ARE NOT DREAMING! You hear that moaning and banging out there?" ("Phillip! I just want to lay my eggs in your brain!") "It's all real!

"Listen, I haven't finished yet. So I was outside the apartment, back to my full size and completely naked. You can see my problem here? I ran for shelter to the little alleyway across the road and out of desperation searched through the bins for something to wear. This was all I could find."

Phil looked Dan up and down, moving his eyes swiftly when he reached his crotch which was exentuated by the tight suit.

"Phil, were you paying attention to anything I just said? We have a way to defeat them!"

Phil looked blankly at Dan, and then he realised..

The two men looked each other in the eyes, and nodded in understanding.

"Let's do this," said Phil.

As Dan headed for the door Phil suddenly had a thought.

"Do we have to do the actions?"

"It might help scare that alien impersonator away."

"Okay, open the door. I'll go out first."

Dan unlocked the door and Phil slipped out into the hall.

"Oh Phil! Please allow me to explain!"

"Dododododododo..."

"What?"

"...Dododododododo"

"Ow Phil, that hurts my ears!"

Dan joined Phil from the bathroom. "Actions Phil, do the actions!"

Simultaneously, Dan and Phil began to flap, clap and wiggle their backsides whilst singing and slowly advancing on the alien.

"What is that? Phil listen to me! Be quiet! Ow! No!"

The alien clapped his hands over his ears and ran, screeching, into the lounge with Dan and Phil following, their voices growing louder.

"...AND SHAKE YOUR BUM..."

"NONOOO, NOOOOOO! IT HURTS!" The alien was spinning around erratically, frantically trying to find a way out.

The men were still throwing their limbs around when there was a loud ripping noise, and the tight silver suit Dan had been wearing split from the crotch to reveal a rather attractive lacy thong that he had scavenged from the bins.

The alien caught a glimpse of the sexy thing, and in his awestruck state his hands fell from his ears allowing him to hear the beautiful notes of the birdy song that Dan and Phil were yelling out...

... And then he exploded.

His gooey green intestines dripped from every surface, including Dan and Phil. They turned to face each other, both in shock. Dan opened his mouth slowly to speak, but before he could a small army of tiny aliens rushed into the lounge, squeaking inaudibly.

"Dead?"

"What's happened?"

"Oh my!"

"GEOFFREY! NOOO!"

What looked like the chief alien turned his head upwards towards the horror-struck men.

"YOU MONSTERS! YOU KILLED OUR COMRADE AND FRIEND!"

Before either of them knew what was happening, the tiny alien crew had congregated and started line dancing to commemorate the alien's death. It was apparently his favourite type of dance. The lounge was filled with around a hundred synchronised aliens, whilst Dan and Phil, still cover in the alien's goo, watch incredulously at what was occurring.

And so comes the end of our thrilling tale.

After five hours of line dancing to such songs as 5, 6, 7, 8, Cotten Eyed Joe and The Macarena, the aliens finally went home to their own planet after concluding that Earth was not all that they expected.

It took almost three weeks to clean the endoplasmic goo from the apartment, and even now some can still be found.

Phil is currently in therapy after having recurring nightmares about aliens wanting to have sex with him. Luckily for him, Dan had discovered that he preferred wearing thongs to boxers, so he never had to see a pair of Calvin Kleins again.

Dan never did recover from his anal probing, but was at least sure now that Tyler Oakley would be able to fit, and he'd know what was coming.

The End.


End file.
